I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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