she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize