i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
