Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
