Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
