3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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