i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
