Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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