Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
