I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize