Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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