The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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