We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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