Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
