if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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