I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
