I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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