have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think my moral compass just broke
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize