Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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