That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
