I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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