What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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