I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
