I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
