I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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