so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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