Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
