im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
