you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
