Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize