I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
