Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
