Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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