your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
