I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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