so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
