girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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