You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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