Where is the hickey?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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