Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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