Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
