I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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