I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
