we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
