explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
