He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
