then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
