I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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