This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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