You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
