You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
