I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
